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  • ZahliaBreaux

Always Weird, Forever Paranoid

A lot of people don’t understand me. They either think I’m weird, I don’t talk enough, I talk too much, I’m too paranoid, too anxious. But guess what guys…can’t help it. I have learned to accept the things I cannot change. Like my inability to shut the fuck up around people I like to talk to or being a little too in-tune with the weird shit going on around me. These are things that will never go away. I can remember as far back as being a toddler, worrying about the strangest, most far out shit.

I used to be afraid of a lot of things as a kid. And yes, I understand, it’s normal for a kid to be afraid of things.

But I wasn’t afraid of monsters under my bed or aliens in the attic. I was afraid of looking at an airplane go by and seeing bombs falling from it. I was afraid that the sounds of the house settling were embers burning away, and they’d be taking me next. I would sit in solitude and question the world around me. I would consider all the worst possibilities, and make a game plan to resolve them all. I was an anxious little fuck… and I don’t think these existential fears have left.

I don’t know if it’s just, like, a generalized anxiety disorder, or if I’m smoking the wrong strain or what, but I am a freaked-out human being. I have family members who claim to be clairvoyant and I sometimes question if this has to do with some of the things that bark in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s what it is. Let’s just say that.

Too many times have I had a nightmare about something all too realistic, to wake up and see something similar on the news. Or if I’m talking about something and why I’m afraid of that one thing. Then the very next day, see my fears realized on every news outlet, only to have people be like, “oh, yeah, I guess it really can happen at any time.” I won't go into details on this one, simply because they still freak me tf out. I can't make that kind of shit up.

I’m not trying to justify why I have these anxieties. I’m not even really sure what I’m getting at. I think all I’m trying to say is accept me the way I am, dammit. I only feel myself growing older and weirder; more in-tune with the terrors going on around the planet.

At this point in my life, I have simply accepted that these are all just personality traits. "Paranoia & Anxiety" are up there with "Can't Sing" and "DEFINITELY Can't Dance." Trust me, if I could put these traits on a resume, I would. That's how confident I am that I just cannot shake these things from my being.

Just bear with me guys, all I ask is that you accept those around you for simply who they are (unless they're a piece of shit; in that case, you have my permission to punch them) and remind them periodically that they’re not going to be abducted by an alien if they walk home alone. (But still keep an eye out…)

What weird fears have you guys had growing up that you can’t seem to shake? Leave a comment and let me know!